Resentment and Forgiveness

 

 

 

When I first moved down to San Marcos to go to college I lived on the campus of Southwest Texas State University. I took a job with the University Police Department as a way to supplement my income. Among my duties were writing parking citations and operating one of the booths that approached the campus. Much of the university was on a hill, and the duties of the police guard at the booth was directing traffic. 

One of the things I was responsible for as a booth officer was to tell students that they were not allowed to drop off passengers up on the hill. They had to disembark at the booth and walk. Mostly it appears that this was to keep the hill clear for the various commuter buses that came from out of town. Also, the only parking spaces that were past the booth were "restricted" meaning only faculty could use them.

I took my job seriously, and sometimes even a little too seriously. One person in particular that I had a run in with constantly was a woman who would try to speed past the booth to avoid having to abide by the university rules. My interactions with this woman led her to apparently file a complaint that I was "harassing" her (when in reality, all I was doing was enforcing the rules). Nothing came of it during my tenure but it did play a part in a later episode in my life.

After I had left the university in 1989, I took a job stocking groceries at a local grocery store overnight. At one point, the university received some complaints that someone was making obscene phone calls to one of the girls dormitories. Initially the phone company told the University Police that the calls were coming from the grocery store where I worked.

The woman who was in charge of the University Police at the time called me up for a talk. At the time I knew nothing about the harassing phone calls; I assumed I was being called in for an interview for an open full-time position on the staff. Only, when I got there this woman made every effort she could to get me to "admit" that I was the guilty phone harasser. Despite my insistent I was not guilty we parted ways with her still thinking I was the guilty party. Later the phone company admitted they had made a mistake. All of us on the grocery stocking crew received a letter of apology from the phone company (although I was the only one who had been accused by the University representative).

I never received any kind of apology from the woman at the Police department however. For something like 20 years I refused to let it go. I never saw the woman again or confronted her about it, but I held on to that resentment, often playing over the scene in my mind, sometimes with less than conciliatory responses to her questioning.

In 2009 I entered the recovery program I have mentioned several times in this blog. Among the steps towards a more reasonable attitude towards life was one in which I listed a list of grievances that I had garnered over the years, and she was the first one I wrote down. Letting go of these resentments, by praying for a right attitude and realizing what my part in the resentment had been was part of the process. I realized I had created that situation primarily because of my attitude towards the people I had interacted with during that job as a student police officer. If I had been more of a model citizen during those two years I doubt that the university police representative would have even paused when she saw my name among the list of grocery employees.

Forgiveness is a quality that took some years to cultivate. Sometimes it is easy. I don't even recall any of the times I lent people money who promised to pay it back but never did. I know there were plenty of times, I just never let it bother me. A lot of that has to do with the fact that I never lent anything I couldn't afford to do without in the first place, but it still has an essence of forgiveness that I could just let it go.

On the other hand, I also took things a bit too personally, especially when people didn't measure up to my standards of how people should be. Lending money was one thing, but stiffing me on a bet was an entirely different matter. I would never have said "We didn't have a bet" to get out of paying a bet, but it did happen to me on several occasions. These, too, caused some serious dampers in relationships, and these too were things that I needed to let go of during the recovery process.  

 "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us" is familiar to anyone who has a familiarity with what is called "The Lord's Prayer". When it comes to spirituality, forgiveness is a two-way street. We can ask God to forgive us when we make mistakes, but God expects us to do likewise with those with whom we interact on a daily basis. 

Likewise, "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" comes up commonly. And that sentiment is not restricted to just the Christian tradition. A Buddhist axiom: "Whatever is disagreeable to yourself, do not do to others." Islamic ideal: "None of you will believe until you love for your brother what you love for yourself." No matter which religion or spiritual tradition you follow, there is, somewhere in their spiritual texts, something along those lines.

But when "the Golden Rule" is thrown out the window and someone does something to us that is unacceptable to us, it behooves us to take a step back and look at it from a different perspective. Resentments can cause not only undue hardships in our relationships, but they can also cause severe emotional and even physical damage to ourselves. I often say that the worst"hangover" I ever got was not as a result of having too much to drink the night before. It was because I dwelt too long ruminating over a situation that did not proceed the way I would have wanted it to.

When I finally forgave the university police woman in my own mind, my life became much better, both spiritually and physically. Not only did I get rid of that nagging emotional hangover, I also  began to feel better physically because I wasn't getting run down and tired from reliving the bad moment. I feel much better when I forgive and forget than I do when I retain and rehash them.

May your spiritual journey be fruitful.

Quiggy  

Lost

 

 

 

 

Have you ever gotten lost? 

It can be frustrating as an adult, to not know where the hell you are, totally unfamiliar with your surroundings and not sure how to get back to where things are "normal". But, I think, as an adult, it is much easier to stop and take time to evaluate the situation, and, hopefully, figure out the solution.

But as a kid it can be a source of panic to be lost.

When I was about 7 or 8, our Cub Scout troop went to Six Flags over Texas. We had some supervision, of course, but as I recall, we had partners who looked out for each other. Me and my partner at the time had paused at the entrance of the dolphin show. (Note: All this is vague fleeting memories, so some details may not be quite accurate. I think it was a dolphin show, but it could have been something else...)

Anyway, as we stood there my partner wandered away and I was left there by myself. Me, this young kid in a big environment with no one near me that I recognized. I began to cry. Fortunately this was the late 60's, and people were more receptive to helping out strangers, especially crying little boys. A couple of kind adults looked around and found the rest of my troop and we were reconnected without much trouble. But it still had a profound effect on me.

As a result, for several years I was reluctant to stray far from my family or the adults in charge. Gradually I overcame this fear, but it took a long time to be completely comfortable with looking out beyond the familiar surroundings. Today I am much more comfortable with investigating the unknown. The GPS on my phone has proven helpful on occasion when I got too far off the beaten track, but I have always had an innate sense of direction.  Once, before I did have GPS, I was in west Austin, traveling back to San Marcos. I knew, generally, that San Marcos was south and east of me, so I just kept going east until I ran into a block and had to turn south, then if another block came up I headed east again. Eventually I ended up in familiar territory.

It is the same way with a spiritual journey. It might be easy to get lost, especially when I am trying to take things into my own hands and trying to manipulate the outcome to my own desired result. And, as is often the case, I end up even more lost than when I first started. The key to staying fit on a spiritual trek is to stop and let the inspiration from a higher spiritual being (for me, God) take the reins. If I quiet my own inner turmoil of not being able to resolve the issue on my own, and let God take control, the pathway becomes clear. "Let go. Let God." is an axiom I learned in my recovery program that helps keep me from delving into a panic when it looks like all is hopeless.

It may take hours of frustration at trying to solve the dilemma myself before I actually break down and ask for help from God, however.

In one particular instance I remember to this day: About 15 years ago I went to a convention in Irving (a suburb of Dallas - Ft. Worth). I checked into the hotel and got settled in my room, then went to the front desk to ask where I might find a store where I could buy some bottled water. The desk clerk directed me to a Walmart, which consisted of making two simple right hand turns and about a 2 mile drive. On exiting Walmart, I took the road back to the highway, but that section was blocked off due to construction.

As it turned out, the entire Dallas - Ft. Worth Metroplex highway system seemed to be under construction. I had to detour several times, due to ongoing construction, and basically went through just about every suburb in the area trying to get back to the hotel. In the end I had been driving around for about an hour and a half, getting more and more frustrated that I could not find the hotel. Finally, after I had become exhausted from trying to solve the dilemma on my own I just said a simple prayer, one that I should have said a lot earlier: "God, I can't find this hotel. Please help me."

As soon as I said that prayer, lo and behold, a few hundred yards up the road was my hotel. I am convinced to this day that if I had not said that prayer I probably would have driven right past the hotel, thinking that it was not the ne I was looking for. It's quite possible that I was close to it once or twice during the hour and a half that I spent trying to solve my own problem.

Getting lost does not have to end in defeat. Sometimes God can use that situation to help me find a closer relationship and dependence on him, rather than relying on my bullheaded independent streak. 

May your spiritual journey be fulfilling.

Quiggy 

Meditation

 

 

 

 

One of the hardest things to master, at least for me, is the idea of meditation. I must have started reading at least half a dozen books on meditation over the years, but never fully finished them, nor have I ever really developed a consistency in meditation practices. Truth be told, my mind tends to be easily distracted, and it comes harder for me because of a lack of ability to focus.

This is the same whether I have tried to do it in the Christian tradition (praying and listening to God), or in a Buddhist ideal (just trying to banish all outside distractions and focus on the inner self), or any one of another half dozen practices. 

My main problem, as I tend to illustrate when telling people of my struggle with the concept, is that I will get started and then... "Oh, look! A squirrel!"  Although this illustration is pretty simplistic (it's almost NEVER really a squirrel that distracts me...), it serves to indicate my dilemma of how easily I can get distracted.

Long before I ever even heard of ADHD, I must've been one that could have been easily diagnosed with it. As a child I would often daydream during class, and I've always had a tendency to be impulsive. I recall more than once being sent to the principal's office because I was staring out the window instead of paying attention to the teacher. (Why did they have those room long picture windows in the classroom in the first place, if it wasn't for staring out of...?)

So it comes down to the idea that meditation is primarily a process of blanking my mind from any potential distractions. One ideal way to avoid distractions at least as far as I am concerned, is to begin before ever getting out of bed. When i wake up in the morning it is still pitch black dark. No one else in the house is awake, I am alone with my own thoughts. I can lay there (or sit there) in my bed and the only even remotely possible distraction would be if it's raining. But even that can have a positive effect on a meditation mood.

Meditation and prayer go hand in hand from the point of some religions. You realize there is a difference in the two? "Prayer" is when you are talking to God (or whatever higher spiritual being you choose). "Meditation", on the other hand, is listening for that higher spiritual being's response. Communication with God is a two-way street. It does no good if you ask a question to someone and then leave the conversation before you have received an answer.

There are many things in life that I am unable to discern the correct way to approach, and it becomes pertinent that if I am asking for help, I should wait for the answer before I act. This works not only on the spiritual level but also the physical level. In the same way that I can Google how to do something and have to follow whatever instructions I am given, asking for spiritual help requires that I follow through with the answer I receive from the spiritual realm. 

I am still struggling with the meditation aspect of the spiritual connection, but things do look better whenever I listen and follow through with the insights I am given.

May your spiritual journey be fruitful.

Quiggy 

 

Cultivating Patience

 

 

One of the faults I have, in both the physical and the spiritual realm, is a severe deficiency of "patience". It is for this reason that some things do not come easy for me. Lack of patience leads me to, variously, frustration, anger and even defeatism. 

One year, back in the early '80's, I was living away from home with an extended family, renting a room from my college friend's mother. There were about 10 of us at Christmas time, and instead of everybody buying 10 presents each, we just drew names and each person only had to buy a gift for another person. My college friend's brother in law got my name and he bought me the above conundrum, which I think was packaged as "Rubik's Revenge". The first thing, after I finished opening my gift, was that he took it from me and jumbled it up. Now I had my goal to fix it back to it's original state. Can't say I succeeded, but it definitely was a patience inducer if you kept at it for any length of time. 

My own personal ideas of "the way things ought to be" include a little side expectation of seeing immediate results. So, the lack of patience while waiting for things to start turning around and going my way leads to some incredibly selfish acts. 

Now, patience can sometimes come pretty easy. Most people find traffic jams to be annoying and frustrating. I observe other drivers in traffic jams always trying to jockey for a "better" position, as if somehow changing lanes every two minutes will accelerate their progress.  Me, on the other hand, I just accept that eventually I will be able to navigate this obstacle and just let time take it's course. Sometimes I even find it an excellent opportunity to meditate.

On the other hand, I can sometimes extremely impatient. The one instance that comes to mind most easily is: Whenever I have to call a help center for something with some corporation. You know the drill. You (or least I) always seem to get connected with someone in India for whom speaking English is a third or fourth language. It can be frustrating trying to explain things to someone who is not on the same wavelength. 

So, how does one develop patience? Raised in a Christian church I often heard the phrase "pray to God for patience". But that was always accompanied by a corollary: When you pray to God for patience, He usually gives you things to be patient about. My response to that has always been that I wish whoever was praying for me to have patience would cut it out. I mean. I certainly wasn't praying for patience.

The process of learning patience has been a long hard slog. 16 years ago I made a transition in my life where I started to slow down a bit, and learn to accept my situation. It hasn't always been roses and chocolate, but neither has it been a lot of skunk cabbage and Brussels sprouts... (I hate Brussels sprouts...)

I find that if I am rowing the boat against the current it is a struggle that drains me. Sometimes I stop and realize that the direction that the current is flowing is trying to lead me to a better life than the one I think is on the other side of the current against which  I am struggling. "Let Go. Let God." is one of the many mottoes in the recovery program which I follow. "Take time to stop and smell the roses" is another idiom that helps to instill some patience.

Whenever I am frustrated that I seem to not be progressing as fast as I think I ought to be progressing, usually it is a lack of patience that is the culprit in the ill feeling. Slowing down and letting things progress at their own pace instead of trying to manipulate things to progress at a pace I want is a key to that elusive patience.

For instance, I am not always in a rush to get from point A to point B anymore. An example: several years ago I made a trip to Lawrence, KS to visit some people I had only previously known from online contact through my recovery program. On the return trip back to Texas, I input my destination in Google maps, specifying to avoid highways and tolls. Then I just let GPS run its course.

During that trip, I ended up on some back country dirt roads. And by that I don't mean poorly paved county roads, I mean literally "dirt" roads. The GPS navigated me through about 15 miles of these dirt roads before I finally ended back on pavement. At no time did I ever become impatient with the pace I had to drive on those back roads, nor did I try to make up time after regaining the pavement. I can't say how much longer it took to travel that way rather than on Interstates, but whatever time I gave up was more than repaid by a serene drive through areas of the state I might not otherwise have seen. 

I do that quite often these days. I am not in any hurry to get anywhere, so I will program my GPS to do the same thing on many road trips. The only time I ever experienced any frustration on that was a fairly insignificant thing:  The GPS voice is decidedly from somewhere in the northeast. On a drive in Texas, the GPS voice told me to turn on How-ston Street, (spelled "Houston" Street). Any Texan can tell you that we pronounce it Hew-ston. It's named after a Texas independence hero and one of our first governors, Sam Houston.

But that is such an insignificant detail to dwell on that I dismissed it almost immediately, and only bring it up now and then to have a laugh or two over the faux pas. 

Patience is a grand ideal, and for me, sometimes patience goes hand in hand with acceptance. If I can accept things as if that's the way things are meant to be, it gradually becomes easier to have patience with the things that might otherwise cause distress.

 

May your spiritual journey be fruitful.

Quiggy 

   

 

A Conversation

 

 

 

A conversation with an angel:

 

I was standing in the checkout lane at the grocery store, waiting to buy a few items I had come in to get.  

"Can I be Frank with you?"

I looked behind me. An older gentleman with white hair and a beard looked at me expectantly. 

"Sure, you can be whoever you want. What's up, Frank?" I said.

"No, I don't mean 'Frank' as a name," he said "I mean can I talk to you, straightforward. You know, like one on one, man to man, and truthfully.... frank."

"Oh, OK. So what's on your mind?"

"I notice you seem to be putting up an excellent front with your current situation. Outwardly you seem to be bravely facing the hardships, but I also notice that deep down you seem to be actually struggling with it.  I think you ought to be more open and let more people into your life."

How did this guy know me so well? I took a closer look at him and noticed a faint glow about him. Who was this guy?

"The reality of it is," he said, "people really care about you. When they ask how you are, it is rather dismissive to just say "I'm doing O.K.", when in all honesty you don't feel well. You need to open up more."

"Who are you?" I asked. "How do you know about what thoughts are going through my head?"

"Oh! Let me introduce myself," he said. "My name is Peter. But you can just call me 'Pete' if you want."

"O.k. Pete. Give me the lowdown. How do you know about me?"

"Well," said Pete, "I work with this guy who has an interest in your well-being. He feels like you may be taking it a little too hard on your own. You know, there are people in your life that actually care. You have to learn to let them in. It's not just good for them to feel better when they help you, it's also a way for you to help yourself."

"Pete," I said, "I have been a loner all my life. I have been self-sufficient and always handled my own problems..."

"And, yet, sometimes you can't handle the problems..." replied Pete. "You tend to get disheartened and fatalistic when you can't work things out, and just say to yourself 'Screw it', when just right next to you might be someone sympathetic and have a solution. You should come to terms with the fact that you were never meant to travel this world alone. Everyone needs the help of others."

"But, what if I am burdening people with my ills? No one needs the heartache of listening to someone unload their story on them..."

 "You underestimate people. Sure, the stranger down the street might not be receptive. But I'm talking about your friends and your relatives. These people genuinely want to help and want to know how you are facing up. Those are the people you should not dismiss with that non-committal 'doing O.K.' when deep down you are either hurting or feeling depressed. Those are the people who can help you right the ship when it starts to keel over, so to speak."

I pondered this for a moment. It was true. I tended to not let people into my private life. That self-sufficiency attitude was entirely a major pressure point in my attitude. IAs I thought about what Pete was saying, something he had said earlier caught my memory.

"Pete," I asked, "just who is 'this guy' you mentioned that cares so much about me? And, for that matter, who ARE you? I mean, really?" 

"Who am I?" said Pete. "I guess you might call me someone who has a special interest in your well-being. Everybody has someone somewhere who is looking out for them. You know, like Clarence did for George Bailey."

"George Bailey??? You mean like the guy in It's A Wonderful Life? So that means you're my Clarence? My guardian angel?. But then that means that other guy must be..."

"Yeah, you got it. God. God cares about you. And God sends his representatives in all forms. Including as your friends and relatives. So use them. And don't forget to thank the guy who sent them."

*******************

So. Did this conversation actually happen? I'm not saying. But the message is clear. God cares.

May your spiritual journey be fruitful.

Quiggy

 

 

Attitude is Everything

 

 

 

 

 

Sometimes Inspiration can come from the less obvious places. Electric Light Orchestra had been a favorite band of mine for years, more for their melodies and musicianship than for any specific lyrics.  I remember in 1980, the first movie I ever went to by myself was Xanadu. I wasn't particularly attracted to the story line of the film. In fact, I had no idea even what to expect from it. I mainly went just because I liked the songs I had been hearing on the radio.

The follow up to the soundtrack to that movie was the studio album Time, a concept album. The song "Hold on Tight" was the first single to be released from the album. At first, of course, I just liked the song because of the previously mentioned melody and musicianship. But eventually I started listening to the lyrics. And more and more, as time passes, the song continues to inspire me.

"When you see your ship go sailing.

When you feel your heart is breaking,

Hold on tight to your dream."

 

"When you see the shadows falling,

When you hear that cold wind calling. 

Hold on tight to your dream." 

 

What this song means to me is that if you look hard enough into the muck you can find a shining diamond buried beneath it. It's just a matter of attitude. There is a classic illustration I remember hearing once:

 

A group of scientists were conducting an experiment. They took two boys. One boy they put in a room filled with toys. The other boy they put in a room filled with horse manure. 

 

They returned about an hour later. In the room with the toys they found the boy just sitting there crying his eyes out. When they asked him why he was crying he said "Just look at all these toys. I just KNOW if I play with one it will break, and I'll get in trouble!"

 

In the other room they found the second boy with a shovel, happily digging in it and laughing his head off. When they asked why he was so happy he said "Just look at all this horse manure! I just KNOW there's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"

The ultimate gist of this illustration is you are just as happy as you choose to be. There is a positive side to everything if you are willing to look for it. Going back to an earlier blog entry on this site: It would have been easy to approach the eminent layoff from my job as "Woe is me! Why do bad things always happen to me?" But if you read that entry you know I found the "shining diamond in the rough" of the situation. 

Sometimes it may be tough, as the lyrics above the above song point out. But the dreams that one has are never lost. The end of all hope is only one way to face it. The other way is to overlook the bad situation and find a way to continue on the journey.

Now, I know if you are struggling through tough times and things look bleak it can be easy to fall into a pessimistic funk. For years I was an avowed pessimist. I even, somewhat jokingly, adapted a classic line from the movie Love Story. The line in the movie said "Love means never having to say you're sorry."  My adaptation was "Pessimism means never having to say you're disappointed."

Time has mellowed me from that attitude. And it took some great effort, I admit. But looking at the positive side of situations has proven to be a great antidote to the negative outlook I used to have. And, the truth is, you can change your attitude anytime you are ready to try.

I remember once in a meeting of my recovery program (which, since I've never actually stated it yet, is Alcoholics Anonymous). I had gone to the meeting in somewhat a bit of a funk, not really in a good mood. At the meeting the people in the room would begin the meeting  by introducing themselves: "Hi. I'm Joe and I'm an alcoholic." "I'm Bill and I'm an alcoholic." When it came around to me I introduced myself as "a giddy and grateful recovering alcoholic." I got a laugh from the group, and wonder of wonders, my attitude changed instantly. I was no longer in a funk. All it took was a decision to try to change my outlook.

I hope that you yourself are in a good frame of mind. If not, may I suggest this simple idea? Just try to find the diamond in that muck and shine it up. It will work wonders.

May your spiritual journey be fruitful.

Quiggy 

Goals vs. Pipe Dreams

 

 

 

 

In the previous entry on this blog (Happiness and Worry Cannot Coexist), I spent some time expounding on the idea that I wasted much of my life on dreaming of lofty goals for the future. I necessarily did not mean that future goals were something to be avoided entirely. My main point was that spending so much time thinking about the future and those lofty (and many times unattainable) goals. or more accurately defined as "pipe dreams",  detracted from the time I could have spent enjoying the present.

As I draw nearer to the end of this life, however, I have returned to thinking about a couple of those goals. Nothing, mind you, that would be unfeasible, and thus move into the realm of "pipe dreams", just goals that are accessible given my current situation. One in particular is actually possible and after talking with someone who could help me accomplish that goal, I think it may actually come to fruition.

I admit I never heard him say it myself, but apparently my maternal grandfather thought I would grow up to be a preacher.  (I heard this from my maternal grandmother several years after his death.) Of course, my life took a different path, and I never graduated to go to divinity school.  I could listen to various preachers in churches and sort of fantasize about being able to do the same, but it would seem that such dreams were out of my reach.

After all, not only did I suffer from a fear of public speaking, I didn't think I actually knew enough about scriptures to qualify.  But things have changed recently. I have been in conversations with the pastor at my church and he has been receptive to the idea of allowing me to take the pulpit at sometime in the near future.

The good thing is, after several years in a recovery program, in which I have had the privilege and opportunity to share, I no longer have that fear of public speaking. It turns out that public speaking is not the devastating nightmare I had previously imagined it to be.  On the other hand, I still have no degree in divinity,  but my pastor has assured me that I can handle that problem fairly well without the sheepskin.

The trick of course, is not to allow the feasible translate into the unfeasible. A borderline egocentric fellow  might imagine that everyone in the church comes forward at altar call and rededicates their life. I don't want to get caught in THAT trap. Too many times over the past 60+ years I have fantasized about having a greater impact than I was ever capable of achieving on my own merit. Guess what? I enjoyed having roles in school plays, but I knew I was never going to be Oscar material. Staying grounded is the best way to approach life.

As for those other goals? Well, realistically, I have to admit that my financial status here may make at least one of them be in the realm of "not bloody likely" as my British friends would say.  But those don't occupy my waking moments very much.  I'd much rather spend my time thinking about how I may be of help to people in the here and now rather than some uncertain future.  

May your spiritual journey be fruitful.

Quiggy 

 

Happiness and Worry Cannot Coexist

 

 

 

 

"A man is as unhappy as he has convinced himself he is." 

                                                                                -Seneca

 

"The mind that is anxious about future events is miserable."  

                                                                                  -Seneca 

 

"Life is divided into three periods: past, present and future. Of these, the present is short, the future is doubtful, the past is certain." 

                                                                                 -Seneca

 

There is an old joke I heard, attributed to the Irish, but can probably be adopted by any sector of the population:

"There are only two things to worry about: either you are sick or you are well. If you are well, there is nothing to worry about. If you are sick, however, then there are only two things to worry about: Either you will get better, or you will get worse. If you get better, there is nothing to worry about. If you get worse, however, then there are only two things to worry about: Either you will live, or you will die. If you live, there is nothing to worry about. If you die, however, then there are only two things to worry about: Either you will go to Heaven, or you will go to Hell. If you go to Heaven, then there is nothing to worry about, but if you go to Hell you'll be so busy shaking hands you won't have time to worry."

Now, admittedly that is a bit tongue-in-cheek, and if you are of the Christian faith, it may seem a bit profane and irreverent, since Hell is not a place you would even WANT to visit, much less be confined.  But the essence of the joke is still relevant, because it points out the futility of anxiety and worry about the future.

The quotes at the beginning of this post come from Seneca, a Stoic philosopher, who wrote in his piece titled De Brevitae Vitae (On the Shortness of Life ) writes that much of life is spent on trivialities and not on living life to the fullest.  "Everyone sends his life racing headlong and suffers from a longing for the future, and a loathing of the present." And, again, he also says "the greatest impediment to living is expectancy, which relies on tomorrow and wastes today".

But, as quoted from the same text, "the future is doubtful".  It a shame that I spent so much wasted present time looking to a future, basically thinking that I might live forever. When I was 24, Halley's Comet made its pass by Earth, an eternal cycle that only happens every 76 years. Obviously, even experiencing the phenomenon even once in a lifetime is a monumental event. 

But, at that time, I spent more time contemplating living to the age of 100, the age I would be when it made another pass by Earth, than I did even enjoying the event that was occurring in the present time. I would often point out that, if I were to live to see it twice, it would, somehow, make me like Mark Twain, who was born in 1835, a year when the comet passed, and died in 1910, another year of the comet's cycle. 

But spending time contemplating a future that is by no means guaranteed is not any more, nor any less, wasteful of time than is dwelling on the past: that period of time where I could have done a), but instead chose to do b), and now regret the decision. This can be summed up in the fact that I have spent a lifetime alone (meaning not married or having fathered any children). Most, if not all, of my graduating high school class did get married and had children and even grandchildren.

But, really, how much better would my life have been if I had gotten married? Sure, my path from 1980 (the year I graduated high school) to 2025 would have been different, but then, the people I have met who have had an influence on my life, and even, dare I say it, without seeming egotistical, the influence I had on their life would probably have had a different arc. Good or bad, what has happened to me has made me the person I am today. It doesn't matter much what potential outcome might have happened if I took a different path, because, after all, the past is immutable. Without the benefit (or, possibly, hindrance) of time travel, nothing can change the outcome, and therefore is a waste of time to dwell on.

Getting back to the "worry" aspect I mentioned earlier. I have learned that each day is a new day, and that the best solution is to take it that way; one day at a time, or sometimes even one minute at a time. So, even though my future is uncertain (as is everybody's...), my approach is gradually transitioning from "what will happen a year from now" to "what is going to happen today".  But even then, I am not looking to what will happen 16 hours from now, but what I can do to make the present moment the most productive and inspirational, for myself as well as for those around me.

 

 May your spiritual life be fruitful.

Quiggy 

Follow The Yellow Brick Road

 

 

 

 

Almost everyone above the age of, say, 7 has seen, or, at the very least heard of The Wizard of Oz. The basic story of a young girl, Dorothy, who finds herself transported to another dimension and seeks to return home to the life she knows and loves is pretty much well known. 

The opening scenes of the film are in black and white, with a sepia tone added to give it a kind of comparison to the later scenes which were filmed in Technicolor. One of the more memorable scenes in the film is when, after Dorothy's house is caught up in a tornado and transported to Oz, sh wakes up and goes through the house, eventually opening the door and seeing an entirely new and strange world beyond it.

This in essence is the inspiration for this post. Let's look at it from a spiritual standpoint. 

I liken my own personal spiritual journey to that of Dorothy's initial reaction to this development. It might have been easy for Dorothy to just look out that door, see the strange new world beyond, and slam the door shut, refusing to accept the potential changes that the future might hold. Closing said door denies the potential experiences that Dorothy might receive by venturing into the unknown.

A 19th century philosopher named Herbert Spencer once wrote:

“There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance — that principle is contempt prior to investigation.” 

To refuse to let some philosophical ideas to germinate in one's mind, simply because they might conflict with a preset, or inherited, philosophical mindset, in my opinion, is to deny an opportunity to grow. An example would be how I approached spirituality before I became more open-minded in my way of thinking. 

To wit: I was raised an evangelical (and sometimes fundamentalist) Christian. As such, I was imbued with an attitude to accept only Christian ideals and to reject any other concepts as being "of the Devil". That means that I thought I should avoid any competing religious or philosophical ideas as not being conducive to leading a good Christian life. 

But as I became more and more open-minded and curious, I investigated some of the so-called "competing beliefs" and eventually found that not everything in those philosophies were so dangerous. For instance: I have a T-shirt that I cherish which has a drawing of Buddha (the founder of Buddhism) with a motto on it that says "You need to let that $*:+ go." 

Sure, Christianity had it's own version of that concept when Jesus told his followers to "turn the other cheek".  But the quality of not letting a resentment build up in me until it invaded nearly every waking moment never really set in until I started reading about suffering and the effects that dwelling on the past can have on your psyche.

There is a story I once read about two Buddhist monks traveling together. They come a river that is wide and not too deep and need to cross it. Nearby is a woman who also wants to cross the river, but she is afraid. She asks the monks if they can help her. These monks had made a solemn vow in their order to not touch a woman, but the oldest monk obliges and carries her across the river.

After he sets he down, the two monks continue on their journey. But the youngest one is still dwelling on the oldest monk having seemingly forgone his vows by carrying the woman. Eventually the youngest one inquires of the older one to explain his action. The oldest monk responds to this rebuke with "Brother, I set that woman down over an hour ago. Why are you still carrying her?"

Again, one of my favorite episodes of the classic TV series, The Twilight Zone, an episode titled "One More Pallbearer", involved a rich man who held on to resentments against three people in his past. I won't go into explicit detail of the episode, but eventually the man falls victim to his own resentments. He would not "let it go", and even though the three no longer dwelled on those encounters of the past, the incidents had continued to haunt him. 

Letting go of the past and facing the future as a new opportunity to improve has since become a goal for me. Now, do I let things bother me even today that happened weeks, months or even years ago? I have to admit I am not perfect, but the best way for me to approach those potential resentments today is to realize that the past is the past and I cannot change that, but I can do something to prevent those past issues from becoming things that inhibit my approach to the future. I have stepped through that door into Oz and I can either follow the yellow brick road into a future that will be better, or I can go back inside the house and pretend that there is no possible way to progress to a shining new existence. Personally, I want to go and see the wizard and get that new life.

May your spiritual journey be fruitful.

Quiggy  

"Can I Pray For You?"

 

 

 

 

Sometime late last year I had gone to a favorite coffee shop to get a cup of coffee. As I was leaving, this young guy was just coasting in on a bicycle as I was headed to my car. We said the usual "Hi. How ya doin'?" that polite people do with each other in passing, even though neither of us knew each other.  I myself had never even seen this guy before, that I could remember, at any rate. 

I turned to leave, since the situation did not require anything more formal, but the guy stopped me and asked "Do you mind if I pray for you?"  Not the usual kind of conversation I am used to from a total stranger, but I am accommodating, if nothing else, so I said "OK, Sure. Go ahead." He was a Christian and prayed to a God that I was inclined to believe in, and it was a pretty good prayer.

After he finished I decided to ask where he went to church. He told me the name of the church, and I had been there once or twice years earlier. (It was Hill Country Church in San Marcos, in case you'd like to know.) This was on a Saturday, and I told him I would visit the church the next day, Sunday.

The next day I went to that church, fairly early (about 30 minutes before the services).  I was wandering in the foyer, checking out the layout when an older woman stopped me and, without preamble, asked "Can I pray for you?"  Again I said, basically, "Sure. Whatever you want." 

Both of them seemed to have a goal of healing my spirit. I didn't think I had anything going on that might give off vibes of turmoil and strife (although, as I mentioned last post, by this time I had been informed of my pending layoff from my 30 year job...)  I continued on after we parted, and went and found a seat in the sanctuary.  I was sitting there, by myself, when another woman and her husband came up to me and asked "Can we pray for you?" (Seemed like there might be a pattern here...)

After the service, as I was leaving, an older gentlemen stopped me and asked "Can I pray for you?" The long story of it is, by this time I had decided I quite liked this church. I continued attending it weekly for the three months that I remained in San Marcos.  It was an entirely different experience than I had ever been witness to in my many years of on again off again church attendance.

One thing that appealed to me more than anything else else was how free-spirited these people were. I tended to tell other people outside the church that it was kind of like being dropped into the middle of a production of Jesus Christ Superstar or Godspell, two hippie influenced plays/movies from the early seventies. During the music worship of the service, many of the church members would be at the front of the auditorium singing and clapping hands and even dancing... (barefoot, some of them, which added to the hippie feel...)

Almost every week I went one or more of the members would stop me and ask "Can I pray for you?", which made it all that much more appealing, even if many times I wondered what motivated them to single me out for these prayers. (In case it's not obvious, I have never really been much for praying, and even today I avoid situations where I might be asked to pray aloud.)

But I do realize the benefits of pray from others. It's not like I don't believe in prayer, just that I have never been wholly comfortable in asking for prayer, and definitely am too self conscious to approach total strangers about doing it. I become more and more open to various things as I get older, and willl always allow someone to try to relate their own spiritual experience to me. Who knows what benefit I might garner from such an encounter?

May your spiritual journey be fruitful.

Quiggy 

 

Somebody Up There Cares

 

 

 

 

Last year I was still living in South Texas (San Marcos). I had just received word that the place where I worked was going to be closing up operations at it's San Marcos facility.  

I am, by nature, a believer in the idea that everything happens for a reason. In a recovery program that I  am involved with, this can be encapsulated by a quote from one of the stories by a fellow adherent to the program:

"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation - some fact of my life - unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake. Unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy." 

 

The ultimate result was that I realized there was a reason for this upcoming layoff, at least as far as it concerned me. You see: I lived in San Marcos for over 35 years. I had originally moved there to go to the local university and ended up getting jobs in the community over that period of time. The final job, the one in which I was due to be laid off, had been my sole purpose for staying in the area. In December of 2024, I had 30 years at this job.

During that period I had lost most of my family. My maternal grandfather had passed away in 1979, when I was still a child, but both my parents and my maternal grandmother were still alive before I moved to San Marcos. My maternal grandmother had passed in 2006. When my mother passed away in 2011, and my sister and father were still alive, I considered packing up and moving back home to help. But I didn't. I had a job. Really, that was the main motivation. 

After my father passed in 2019, and it was just me and my sister left in the family, it again occurred to me that I ought to move, because it was a 300 mile distance between the two of us, and we both approaching our 60's. But once again, that old "I have a job" argument kept me from doing so. 

So, when in August of 2024, when the company informed us that the San Marcos location was going to be closed, I had a decision to make. The company offered each and every employee the opportunity to relocate to one of the other facilities. One of them was in Auburn, Al and one was in Florence, KY. 

But I had lived almost all of my life in Texas. I had no desire to relocate to either place, primarily because I had grown entrenched in my native Texas. Auburn would have increased the separation from my sister by 500 more miles, and Florence would have increased it by about 800 more miles. I almost immediately decided this was what I would call a "God moment".

I reasoned that God was basically saying "So you won't move because you have a job? Fine. Now you have no job. Move". I called my sister, with whom I had been in touch with more or less on a frequent basis, and asked her if I could move in with her. She expressed a happiness that I was going to be, now, only a few feet from her, as opposed to that 300 miles.

Now, I don't believe that God closed that plant just so I would move. But I do believe, wholeheartedly, that God used that situation for the ultimate purpose it served for me (and also for my sister), to wit, our being near each other instead of that long distance separation. In our 20's our relationship was sometimes a little contentious, but 40 years had mellowed us both. And now, it seems that maybe God knew a little bit more about what was good for me than I did.  

Sometimes inspiration comes from avenues that you least expect. I moved in February of 2025. It has been good to have someone nearby that I can confide in whenever the need strikes, rather than wait until it is convenient for both of us to call by telephone, which is at the very least, a little impersonal.  While having a spiritual advisor, whom I choose to call God, can be helpful, I find that keeping close to the ones you love on the terrestrial plane to be a far better situation than long distance phone calls. 

This journey that I am beginning will be far better with having a companion I can communicate with, than it would be if I were entirely relying on just a rapport with that spiritual advisor, who, although some may say actually "talks" to them, is not so nearly as comforting as hearing a real voice. I will still put a lot of emphasis on maintaining that spiritual relationship, however.

May your spiritual journey be fruitful.

Quiggy 

Ready to Launch

 

 

 

 

Background for this blog: 

I recently was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. My journey in this realm is coming to an inevitable end. This ongoing blog is going to be a running commentary of experiences and the spiritual progression of my journey. Sometimes I will be flippant (probably a lot...), sometimes I will be serious (probably rarely...). 

The goal here is to, hopefully, enlighten (or amuse) both myself and anyone who may have a family member (or are themselves) struggling with the inevitable. It is not meant to be dismissive of the emotional aspect that comes with dealing with life. It is merely meant to relieve the stress and maybe even give the reader some hope in the future.

For those who care to know, my spiritual background is mostly as a Christian, but in the 64 years of my life on this realm, I have learned to be open-minded about spiritual things. So this blog will NOT be an avenue to proselytize the reader to a specific view or a specific religion. You will, occasionally, be getting some entries based on a Christian viewpoint, but you will also be getting some thoughts that a Buddhist tinge or not necessarily Christian philosophical thoughts, (such as Stoicism, which I admire as a thoughtful way of approaching life. 

Hopefully atheists, agnostics, Hindus, Muslims, Buddhists and even Wiccans can read these entries and come away with something enlightening. (I hope I'm not being too optimistic or self-aggrandizing on that...) As I am open to debate and/or listen to alternate avenues of spiritual advancement, I intend to make this blog open to comments from any sector of the spiritual community. 

(Note: The only stipulation I make is to, please, not try to use this blog to sell anything. You are free to promote other ideas, but all links to other sites will be closely monitored.)  

This blog will be discontinued at some point, obviously. As they say, we don't know the time or date of our departure. So, if this is the only entry I get to make, may your own spiritual journey be enlightening for you. 

 

Quiggy